From Wickman of Royal Cricket

Wickman is astonished and gutted to hear the news that Bob Woolmer has died. As a young man Wickman lived in Kent. He could never work out whether he was a Man of Kent or a Kentish Man - but he followed Kent cricket nevertheless. Those were the days with Woolmer, Cowdreys, Iqbal, Ealham etc in the team. The county’s done nothing since.Does anyone think it’s a coincidence that Woolmer died the day after his spineless charges succumbed to an Irish side that has shown it could bowl but has hardly threatened with the bat? Succumbed? Make that capitulated. Even if they had managed to muscle another 40 runs out of their sorry apology for an innings Pakistan would still be at the races. And only a couple of weeks after the controversy over the “fitness” of Shoaib and Mohammed Asif? And all the other extraordinary bull he’s had to put up with over the last few months?

There should be heads hanging in guilt, not just shame, this week in the Pakistan dressing room.

It may be because I am not opening bat, but I find one of the most exhilarating things when watching or playing cricket (at any level) to be the battle between the fearsomely fast bowler and the courageous opening batsman. The classic example which springs to mind for me is the battles Michael Atherton used to have with Allan Donald.

In that case it would be fair to say that the South African paceman had the better of the exchanges, but all that seems to have changed. The balance now seems to be well and truly with the batsman.

The problem is that pitches now are so slow, and this World Cup promises to epitomise this trend. The home side is a classic example. The West Indies is immensely proud of it’s fast bowling traditions. If you look through the West Indies side now though you would struggle to find anyone with the pace to hurry most club pro’s let alone top class batsman. It is a side full of players who can ‘take the pace off the ball’, and keep it tight during power-plays. How dull.

The modern trend and ICC directives for pitch preparations and power plays to encourage big scores, are slowly killing off the fast men. Sure the best will always prosper as they learn new skills, and methods of out-foxing batsman, but once in a while can’t we just have a quick strip or two. Must the ever-decreasing WACA strip be a clone of it’s counter-part in Karachi. Fast bowlers must also be put on an even keel once in a while, and given a chance to put genuine fear into batsman, rather than just watching the ball whistle to the boundary with soul destroying repetition.

So here comes the conspiracy:
International cricket’s governing bodies are now so dependent on huge broadcasting deals that they are desperate for matches to run their full coarse in order to keep sponsors happy and to avoid having to pay out large refunds to the ticket-buying public. To this end instructions have gone out to grounds-men that they must prepare pitches accordingly. The result is that most pitches are slow, low tracks - not much fun for any bowler of quality.

The worlds best cricketers are becoming one dimensional clones, just like the pitches they play on. They are losing valuable skills by not playing on a range of surfaces - For crying out loud it even seems to spill over into the post-match interview, such is their robotic like conditioning.Some even argue for uncovered pitches again. Maybe not at the top level, but can we at least give the fast guys something to get their teeth into occasionally and make those flashy, arrogant twerps at the top of the order earn their runs. If he gets through the stage where he wonders whether he is going to get back to the pavillion alive, through courage and skill then he is worthy of his runs.A multitude of fast runs does not always equate to fascinating, absorbing cricket - At least not for everyone.

From Wickman of Royal Cricket    

Wickman is in the mood for a sweeping generalisation. The difference between the minnows and the big boys is the power of the big boys to bounce back when things aren’t going too well.

Look at South Africa today. 66-7. That’s a very deep hole they’ve dug for themselves. A fightback by Hall (60 odd) and Peterson and they scrape 192 together. Not a massive statement granted, but a Houdini-like escape.They’ve probably given themselves more than a fighting chance (it’s halftime in the game). The Irish were probably thinking (Wickman doesn’t do accents)

Wickman is looking forward to the World Cup because it’s been ages since he updated his repertoire of joke bowling actions for nets. Whilst still a youngster in the playground Wickman thought nothing of trying to bowl a Proctor (wrong foot), a Thomson (can you get your right hand into your left pocket round your back), a Dilley (drag the back toe so far you go through a couple of pairs of Dunlop Green Flash in a summer playing on the playground)… a Lillee (ball held out in front and pushed and pulled out in front like you were a bull pawing the ground trying to gore the entrails out of some flabby matador) or even the big lolloping run of a Botham, all last minute explosion of shoulder and massively golden arm.One might have a Michael Holding (which essentially necessitated having a lung-bustingly long run-up before trying to knock a kid’s head off ) and you would need to have some spinner or other - because if you couldn’t get turn and bounce with a tennis ball you never would – perhaps Deadly Derek Underwood (there was, of course, in the 1990s Paul Adams, that glorious freak, but if you were caught practicing that by your mum in Bentalls on a Saturday morning while she tried on some dresses she’d have had you in A&E at Kingston in a jiffy thinking you had had a seizure).

In the interim, bar a bit of back garden cricket, Wickman has had few opportunities to study and perfect the art. It’s all very well having some classics up your sleeve, but what of the modern actions? Wickman is worried that so much work has been done by the likes of Troy Cooley and Kevin Shine that there’s nothing left but chest on merchants and one-day-dobbers. 

Unless you’ve a double jointed arm / wrist combo of course so you could do a Murali. Or maybe you could practice sticking your tongue out and giving it large in front of the mirror and turn your Proctor into an Andre Nel. And then there is Makhaya Ntini although learning how to rule yourself out of ever winning an appeal for LBW might not be a brilliant idea… Wickman supposes that Brad Hogg does have that slightly mincey way of windmilling his arms and wrists… and there is old Malinga the Slinga… but who else? What fun is it to watch McGrath twinkle up the wicket? Or Flintoff? Or Taylor? Or…

Bring back Bob Willis. Frankly he’d be better that side of the camera. Stick him in the England squad, stick an Andrew Symonds wig on him and get him to hare in off that long run, alternately tucking the ball behind his back and showing it to the batsman before arriving at the crease and slinging in a massive bouncer… cor if that didn’t take you back to 1981 nothing would.