Hayden criticises the tournament length, Lara admits his team is poor but Flintoff just lets out a hearty belch!

When I think of the in-form teams at this year’s World Cup I glance at the England squad list & can only see a couple of team players in that whole list. NZ’s Jacob Oram was prepared to amputate part of a broken finger to play the tournament & I would hazard I guess that little ol’ Muddy Panesar would forgo his quarter century birthday for his abortive English team to make the semi-finals. Another is Paul Collingwood, probably one of my favourite players outside of The Long White Cloud, who seems to be the only adhesive in a team of over hyped, toffee nosed, public schooled w*****s.

Kevin… why was he celebrating his recent hundred against the Aussies like he had won his team the World Cup on the last ball of the game with one wicket to spare? Um hello, you were pedestrian like & England posted a measly score in the mid 200’s. Australia waltzed, with or without Matilda, to the target with seven wickets in hand. In hindsight, would Pietersen have changed his celebration from “oh my god I just witnessed the birth of my first child” to a humble bat in the air then head down & bum up “I’ve got a more important job to do”… I don’t think so.

Your lovely jubilant keeper of wickets, Mr Nixon. So much energy, so much chatter, so old & so much advice for his other more internationally experienced teammates. He always seems to have something to say to the batsman, bowler, captain, vice-captain, fielders or just any drunk bloke in the pub who will listen. Now it’s hard enough for myself to understand Fergie with his thick (not clever) northern accent but Paul Nixon with a mouth guard! He sounds like a mish mash of Jamie Peacock & Fletcher Christian. Surely he must have been born in Cockermouth but unlike William Wordsworth, Nixon’s words are worth nothing more than an unabbreviated addition to the damp tropical weather as he continues to project his spit all over the Caribbean.

I made a promise not to write about Rugby Union but there is a definite similarity between the English Cricket team & Graeme Henry’s British Lions Team. Two teams who enjoy the off field antics more than what they’re actually being paid to do. Henry struggled to connect with a team of full of self-proclaimed superstars who wanted to sightsee rather than train. There was an English coach I can just remember… Sir Clive Woodsomething? Won the Rugby World Cup but got crushed when in charge of the Lions, still, he was so great that he decided to mentor footballers. After a mass exodus of personnel at Southampton Football Club & a realisation that footballers are even harder to bring together as a team, he was then let go & is now employed as the new director of elite performance for the British Olympic Association… probably to work with individual athletes.

So, the Ashes are long forgotten, the England Football Team is nearly a curse word & the Rugby World Cup nothing but a door stop. Why can a cricket team with so much promise continue to come up with such hopeless minowesque performances? Something has to change, the players need to realise that there are other people that want their jobs & they are willing to work longer & harder for them. Being the best batsman in the world cannot bring the same satisfaction as being the best team in the world… but if it does, then you should stick to playing with yourself.