Stepping away from the debacle that is The Ashes, I have my attention rudely grabbed by Alex Ferguson. Sorry, Sir Alex Ferguson, in my opinion the most laughable knighthood ever. That is until the words “arise, Sir David Beckham” are inevitably heard, at least.

Doing his best impression of the three mice from the famous nursery rhyme, Ferguson sought to refute the entirely justified claim by, well, by almost everyone, that Cristiano Ronaldo is a diver by saying that he is “the most fouled player in the country”.

That he may be, but how many of these fouls are caused by the ripple of disturbed air from an opposition defenders snort of laughter at his feeble attempts to con the ref, rather than, say, actual physical contact is up for discussion. But apparently not in Sir Alex’s Govan-themed mansion.

A one-eyed blind man on a galloping horse can see that Cristiano Ronaldo is one of the most blatant divers to ever have the good fortune to be paid vast amounts to play the game that he tarnishes with his antics each week, and for Sir Alex to suggest that not only is he not a diver, but is a put-upon player who tries to uphold the laws of the game, would be naivety bordering on arrogance from a younger manager. But for a man who has been knighted for his services to the game, this kind of approach to one of his players smacks more than a little of blatant cynicism.

The now-possibly senile Ferguson went on to suggest that Winky is being persecuted by referees due to his first season in English football, where he flung himself to the ground quicker than an English batsman throws away his wicket. No different from every season he has spent in English football, then. He claimed that it was this that stopped Ronaldo from winning more free kicks than he does.

Ronaldo is probably fouled more because of his theatrics. Witness the fury that George Boateng vented on him when he went down outside the box in Man Utd’s recent game with Middlesborough. That wasn’t his first dive in the game; his first being the one that won them the penalty that ultimately won United the game.
Ferguson, doing his best impression of Arsene Wenger by ignoring blatant transgressions by his players then went on: “if you were driving at 70mph in a car and another car comes out in front of you, do you brake or carry on?” Sir Alex presumably wouldn’t slam the anchors on, as any normal person would, but merely plough straight into the car in front and steer his car down the nearest embankment before complaining that the police were being unfair on him because the car in front had blatantly rammed him.

Despite the fact that the FA, UEFA, and FIFA are willing to waste our time with such unnecessary initiatives as hand shakes before the game and not kicking the ball out when a player is fouled, yet again they have entirely overlooked a much bigger problem in the game due to the fact that it would actually mean they had to do something proactive.

Retrospective action is taken against players who use elbows, or on serious fouls, but nothing on divers, which, despite not presenting a physical threat to players, is arguably a bigger blight on the game, and causes more mockery by fans of sports such as rugby, or any of the Gaelic sports, when they see players writhing around on the ground, only to miraculously resurrected by the Magic Sponge.

By all means, Ronaldo is not the only player who is guilty of conniving referees at almost every opportunity. Diving has, and unfortunately, probably always will be part and parcel of the game, just as cheating in every aspect will be as long as mind-blowing amounts of money are thrown at young men, most of whom haven’t completed enough basic education to spell scruples, let alone know what they are.

Just as Slaven Bilic robbed Laurent Blanc of winning the World Cup in front of his home nation, players will always claim the ball came off their opposite number in an attempt to win a meaningless throw-in, and likewise just as Cristiano Ronaldo will claim that he “lost his balance”, players such as Didier Drogba will writhe around on the floor with his arm in the air, desperate to attract attention in the same way as, say, Alan Smith did after his horrendous leg-break at Anfield.

Far be it from me to suggest that I can improve the running of the game, (although what football fan wouldn’t?) here is one idea that the suits at Soho Square could look at:
Retrospective action to be taken against players that dive. Admittedly, this may be subjective, but no more in the same way that the dubious goals or pools panel works, and would at least eliminate the very blatant divers in the game.

If a player dives for a penalty or free kick, which his team then scores from, then that player should receive a ban, of say, 2 games. If his team win by a single goal, then that ban should be raised. 5 or 6 game bans would deter players from conning the ref. If said player is caught diving again, the ban should be double what his last punishment was. Hey presto, we have less players diving, and the ones who do still persist will not have the chance to ruin games.

This may not be a perfect solution, as inevitably it will lead to accusations of bias for and against certain players, but in turn it could at least signal an end of players rolling over and over in an attempt to make their “foul” more believable.